aelily

I haven’t been writing much since the move. depression has me firmly in its grip. and since moving I have more time to think and grieve, it sucks lol. I do have some stories I have been working on so never fear lol.

I have always been very open about my mental health. it’s a part of me and it always will be. I wish I could take my brain out and fix it but as of yet that’s not possible.

this is why I write.

I keep imagining how different life would be if my mom didn\’t have multiple strokes.

I hate the fact that i’ll never get to do so many things with her, get advice from her, hug her. it makes me angry and sometimes my grief makes me sick. I have to remind myself that this process is normal and to be kind to myself. I haven’t been lately lol but i’m trying.

I get signs from my mommy every single day and I know she’s proud of me and looking after me and juliet.  a lot has happened since her death and I often feel alone even when i am surrounded by people.

it hurts of course and I wonder why i’m not good enough for people to stay.

I am terrified of abandonment and I am sick of losing people.

I feel many people try to put a limit on grief but I won’t do that.

I can’t say it doesn’t suck or that i’m not tired of crying every day. but grief means that I am capable of great love and i am lucky to have experienced a love so deep.

anyway, thanks for coming to my monthly ted talk 😂